


Frumpkins

by Mikkeneko



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Nott & Caleb Widogast Friendship, Nott could use a hug too, Reconciliation, pure self-indulgence, spoilers for episode 49
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-19 23:25:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17611049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikkeneko/pseuds/Mikkeneko
Summary: Caleb displaces difficult emotions through his cat. He's not the only one.





	Frumpkins

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I know I'm really stuck for a fandom when I write something like this -- something purely self-indulgent, for my own comfort, which is not canon and never could be canon (not unlike the 'thor and loki talk it out' fragment that never made it over to AO3.) Something that I wrote just for myself, without regard to whether it's even timeline-compliant or even remotely in-character or whether other people would want to read it.
> 
> Anyway, writing this made me feel better, and I don't have a tumblr to put it on any more, so I guess it goes here.

 

A part of him has always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, any number of shoes really. But this one in particular felt like it had been hanging over his head for a very long time. 

He'd always wondered why Nott cared for him. Why she loved him. He knew very well that he wasn't worthy of anyone's regard, he'd made himself so and had no room to complain about it. But she had loved him just the same, loved him fiercely and relentlessly for so long and so hard that he'd started to let himself believe it, even if he couldn't understand it. Even if he couldn't see _why._  

Now... now. Now he looks at Lukas, whose eyes are so blue, his hair rugged and his face smudged, whom Nott calls her _very smart boy._  And he thinks, Ah. 

Ah. 

That's why. 

He's holding himself apart now, he knows it isn't fair but he can't help it. Whatever surface apologies have passed things are not the same between them, they can never be again, and he can't help but think that this is the beginning of the end. 

She comes to him that evening, in the lull between when they've done everything they can for the night but before sleep claims then. He's sitting on the edge of the group, Frumpkin in his lap, his hands buried in his cat's fur. He hasn't let go of Frumpkin once all evening, and the fey cat endures with a supernatural patience.

"Caleb?" Nott says, a nervous quaver in his voice despite her attempts to sound casual. "Whatcha thinking?"

He does not look up from his cat. "Nothing that is worth hearing, that is for certain."

"Well, uh... well maybe it is. I'd like to hear it."

He should... no. This day has been more difficult for her than for any of them, with the ongoing uncertainty about her husband's fate. He does not want to burden her more, it is unfair of him, it is cruel, it is his own worthless self that is the problem and that should not be her problem. He shakes his head, says nothing.

Nott gulps. "I-I mean if you wanna yell at me, that would be okay. Maybe, uh... maybe you could get drunk first? And yell at me? That would be fair."

Caleb is surprised into looking up. It is not like Nott to show remorse for things said, things done when she drinks to counter the fear. He had not realized she felt regret for yesterday, for saying things that were only true. "No, I would never."

The nervousness leaves her voice, infused with an unusual degree of firmness. Her 'mother' voice, Caleb used to think of it. He never knew, he had no idea. "Tell me what you're thinking, Caleb," she orders him. "What you're thinking right now. I want... I want to know."

Silence hovers for a moment, a distance too great to be breached by words. But he was never good at saying no to Nott.

"I am thinking..." Caleb says at last, keeping his tone as calm and detached as he can possibly manage, not looking at Nott or at anyone. "I am thinking that I do not know if you ever cared about me for who I was. Or if I was only a convenient replacement for the person you could not be with, the person you really love."

"Oh," Nott says. "Oh."

Caleb hunches down a little, already wishing he could call the words back, that he could turn back time the last few seconds and undo it. "I told you it was not worth hearing," he mumbles.

"No, no, it's what you feel," Nott assures him. "It's just, um..."

She reaches for her flask, an automatic response to stress or strain. He doesn't mean to wince, but whatever she sees on his face has her veering off at the last moment to grab her water canteen instead and chug from it. 

Nott swallows. "Caleb, you once told me, that you used to have a cat named Frumpkin, right? When you were younger, I mean. Not Frumpkin now."

He doesn't remember when he told her that, but he doesn't doubt that he did. It's always been easier to talk about his cat than almost any other subject, always easier to deflect difficult feelings and channel them through his cat.  _"Ja,"_ he says at last, looking down at Frumpkin and petting the short fur on the cat's head.

"S-so that means when you got Frumpkin now, that means that he reminded you of the old Frumpkin," Nott says, wiping her lips in a nervous gesture. "And... and you gave him that name because he reminded you of someone you really loved, someone you really missed from your old life, and you wanted that connection. You needed that connection."

The words hang in the air between them, heavy and uncertain, but Nott isn't done talking.

"But... but that was just at first. Now... you wouldn't mistake the Frumpkin of now for the Frumpkin then. I mean you couldn't, right?" she says anxiously, reaching out towards Frumpkin before twitching and pulling her hand back. "He's so much more. He's a fey-cat, not a real cat. And as you got to know him better, you learned more and more about him that was his own. And it was wonderful! He's so wonderful, and magical, and he's helped you out in so many ways.

"And... and he shared his food with you, and made sure you had what you needed, and kept you warm when you were cold and company when you were lonely, and he always made sure you had your hood up when you were around people, and he stood up for you when people yelled at you, and he taught you magic and he t-told you he was proud of you and..."

Tears are leaking from Nott's eyes a bit. She takes another drink of water, just for the familiarity of the motion, and wipes her eyes.

"So no, maybe he's not the old Frumpkin you used to know," Nott continues, "but he's pretty great! He's saved you, and supported you, and helped you in ways that the old Frumpkin never could have. And he's not done yet either, and you want to see all the amazing things that he could be, and meet the person he is when he doesn't have to hide himself any more."

She looks up at him, her gold eyes warm, and he can only hold them for a moment before he has to break the gaze. He looks down at his cat, fingers still obsessively stroking over his fur.

"A-and none of this means you don't still love the Frumpkin who came before," Nott continues gamely. "Or that if the choice, the chance came up that you could go back to your old life and see him one more time, that you wouldn't want to take that chance. But that doesn't mean you don't love the Frumpkin of now, or that you want to leave him or give him up for _anything_. Because you do love him, because he's wonderful and he's done so much for you..."

She trails off, shrugs awkwardly, fiddles her hands on her canteen. She looks down at her hands in her lap as she mumbles, "I guess what I'm saying is, you were kind of a Frumpkin to me."

He thinks about it. His hands ease up on Frumpkin's fur, relaxing for the first time tonight. When she looks back up at him he catches her eyes for a moment, and gives her a smile. A small one, but the best he can muster right now. "Are you saying that I'm your emotional support wizard?" he says.  

She laughs. Caleb smiles.

She moves against him, leaning up against his side under his arm, and he doesn't push her away.

 

* * *

 

  
~end.


End file.
